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Sunday, 25 April 2010

I guess you can say I'm back

I no longer care about becoming more "feminine" as the blog was started for, but yet, just to bleh, let all of my riots and feelings out that I'm stashing in here much more than I need to be. I'm sitting on my bed with my boyfriend (who happens to be dead sleep, but it is 2 in the morning, so I guess I don't blame him) and listening to Wall-E play in the other room as I'm blogging and checking my facebook constantly, like anything has really changed on it in the past hour. To be honest, I need to start deleting people off there, I don't talk to any of them, and I feel like alot of them just add me to stalk my page (which btw, is lame, because I don't have much of an amazing life thank you) But yeah, I gave up the being feminine thing. Why? Because, it drove me up the wall, the constant waking up much much earlier than needed for my job just to apply eyeliner for the guys at my job to only say I'm still the ugly friend compared to my friend, Lorrie. Which hurts my feelings alot, because I'm still considered the ugly friend, hell, I'm now considered a lesbian at my job. I stopped using shampoo, don't say its disgusting. I use conditioner, which has the same cleaning agents as shampoo, just not as drying to your hair as using shampoo THEN conditioner on top of that. I find it silly that I've been doing that for all these years and finally found out that I can use conditioner and kill two birds with one stone and have MUCH softer hair. I still buy makeup as a guilty pleasure, but I don't use it (aka. I buy it and forget I have it for so long that I end up just giving it away to one of my close friends who need a shade that I just happen to have hanging around in my bedroom getting dusty and feeling unused) Yup... That's me.

But tonight, my boyfriend and I looked at the LOLCATS website and we clicked on the Woman of WTF link, and I think I became so depressed and upset behind it because all of those girls are so fucking perfect, and I just felt like a fucking blob looking at them. I know I'm a big girl and I wouldn't begin to deny it for one minute, but at times, I would just LOVE to change it, and I've tried it all, running and dieting, the whole fucking nine yards. I just feel like a failure when I see those skinny girls prancing around in their bikinis looking all perfect while I lay on my bed looking like a useless fat fuck. I wish I could just throw up all my weight at times.

Done with all that venting for right now.

My best friends is mad at me I guess because I would like to live a life of my own (since she can, why can't I?) exactly.

I'm so fucking upset again.

Just fucking wonderful.

I fucking hate media.

Monday, 18 January 2010

I DISAPPEARED!

I know, I'm supposed to blog every single day about my life. Hah. But I haven't been, which, One. I'm kinda breaking my resolution, BUT I'm not. I've actually been taking time away from the laptop to attempt to be more feminine, and after two days of no blogging, I feel MUCH better than what I did when I was because I was cranky after reading everything and wondering about myself.

So this weekend, I soaked in the tub, it as AMAZING. Not a bubble bath, but a hot bath with epsom salt in it. It calms me down. And then sat around in undieroos and watched movies with my other half :) I love him so much. And just relaxed. No makeup, No glamming up. It was nice that I wasn't trying to be more feminine and it kinda just happened. and I felt so stressed on friday.
So I have today off like many other people..but everybody I know their working :/ so boo, and I was like yay! a three day workweek, until they threw down the bomb of, hey, yeah, you have to work a friday mandatory. WTF! When I work a friday, that pretty much means I'm working until the SUPER buttcrack of a saturday morning, Which means I pick up silly, go home, and stay inside, because I'm going to be cranky and tired :P and thats the truth. We might go see a movie if we see anything that has been catching out eye.. which lately has been NOTHING! Not even the avatar movie has made me jump up and spend ten dollars. So yeah, whatever.
So now, i'm sitting at home with my baby brother whom is sick and watching over my sister who is going to be glued to her computer til the end of time.
Ugh.

Friday, 15 January 2010

I feel

fucking bland. I think I'll get dressed up and head out for a few today, maybe go out for lunch? yes, sounds like a fucking plan. I'll even do my makeup and bring my camera. MAKE MY FUCKING DAY!

Monday, 11 January 2010

oohlala?

well, i've been stressed.
not really this weekend, i've been fIteeling pretty amazing to be honest. Jared and I went out and got some games for the Wii and we played that for a few hours. I got the newest Mario Brothers game, which I LOVE but i need to look on the wii thing and get the old one back on the WII and not just on the NES so I can kick elsies ass :P It has honestly been forever since Ive played that game!
I'm sitting here in a Leopard print snuggie, and I feel wonderful, I don't care how silly I prolly look, this fucking thing is WARM and also feel snuggly! Which is why it's probaly called "snuggie"
Friday: I was frustrated by 4pm, and actually I wasn't surprised with myself that it happened. I really fucking wasn't. I miade plans with somebody to do lunch and a movie kinda thing and she basically slept through it, and I feel stupid for even making the plans and getting excited about them because I knew this would happen, she'd text me the next day about how she slept over the day and she forgot and that she's really sorry and then during the week at work she'll be talking to the other lady about how she spent her friday with her boyfriend. And wtf, I keep making plans with her, I need help to even keep doing that to myself. UGH.
Ugh, I didn't do too many things that really have to do with becoming feminine, I took the weekend off.